Knowing When to Hang up the Keys

It was a 2010 Mazda Miata. My husband drove “his baby” to work every day often with the top down when the weather allowed. It was the vehicle we took on vacation, even buying two super small suitcases to fit in the equally small trunk. It was our empty nester car. With only two seats it screamed adventure.

When he became disabled in 2017 and could no longer drive, his “baby” became a permanent fixture in our driveway. I would take him for drives but anyone who has ever driven or ridden in a Miata knows that you fall in and peel yourself out!

My husband is a bilateral amputee. His prosthetics are not very flexible and became jammed under the passenger dashboard. It was not easy getting him out of the car either.

I would often drive it on short errands to keep the battery charged. His “baby” would have regular oil changes, inspections, and baths. After four years into my caregiving journey, I felt that caring for his “baby” became another addition to my ever-growing list of things to do. It became a sentimental permanent source of frustration in our driveway.

Due to the many complications after his triple bypass I never had to convince him not to drive. However, I also never predicted that he would not understand why I sold his Miata. Till this day he tells anyone that will listen that I SOLD his car!

Whether it is selling a vehicle or taking your loved one’s keys, it often becomes an attack on their feeling of independence and freedom. As a caregiver, you may face the difficult decision of when to take the car keys away from your loved one. This is not an easy task, as it can affect their self-esteem, mobility, and social life. However, it is also a matter of safety, not only for them but also for other drivers and pedestrians. Driving can pose serious risks for older adults who have cognitive impairments or physical limitations.

My Mom, six months before she passed at 85 knew that the water retention, she had in her legs from heart congestion made it difficult to drive. She realized it and stopped driving. I was thankful it did not become a difficult battle.

How do you know when it is time to intervene? Here are some signs that your loved one may no longer be able to drive safely.

• They get lost or confused while driving, even in familiar places.

• They have trouble following traffic rules, signs, and signals.

• They have difficulty judging distances, speeds, and gaps in traffic.

• They have slow reaction times or poor coordination.

• They have frequent accidents, near misses, or tickets.

• They show signs of anxiety, agitation, or aggression while driving.

• They have vision problems, hearing loss, or chronic health conditions that affect their driving ability.

• They take medications that impair their alertness or judgment.

If you notice any of these signs, you should talk to your loved one about their driving and express your concerns. They may already realize it, or they may need some convincing. Be respectful and empathetic, but also firm and clear. Explain the reasons why you think they should stop driving and offer alternatives, such as public transportation, ridesharing services, organizations that will drive them to doctor’s appointments or family and friends who can drive them.

Having alternatives to offer may help with taking the sting out of the discussion. Remember, this is their independence. With their car, they can go shopping, visit friends, take themselves to the doctors, giving them the feeling that they can take care of themselves.

Taking the car keys away from your loved one is not an easy decision, but it may be necessary to protect them and others from harm. You may need an ally if your loved one does not share your concerns. Consult with their doctor, who can arrange to assess their driving fitness and recommend the next step.

As a caregiver, it often becomes your responsibility to ensure their safety and well-being. By being supportive and understanding as well as respecting their dignity and autonomy, you can help them cope with this transition and preserve their quality of life.

How did you handle the driving question with your loved one?