Finding Joy through the Holidays as a Caregiver

The holiday season can be a stressful time for caregivers. The hustle and bustle, expectations from others, the added expenses and the unexpected emergencies add to a caregiver's highly stressed life.

For this caregiver, I have found, it is not so much the expectations of others that contribute to stress but those ingrained ideas of what the holidays should be in my own head.

My childhood holidays were filled with all the wonder of the season from coolers of homemade cookies to festive decorations and seasonal activites only equal to Santa's workshop. Times have changed yet those ideas of the perfect holiday call me in ways that are no longer realistic. I feel that I have missed something if I don't track down every holiday play, musical and light show. I feel that I am denying my neighbors if the house does not resemble the "magic of Christmas" as the sun sets each evening. Silly? Maybe, but the source of most of my stress is coming from me. Realizing this has helped me create more realistic celebrations and find joy in the holiday season.

Not the Year I Expected

I have been drafting this post since before Thanksgiving. It sat for a long time in my draft file. My creative juices had dried up. I was spent. But why? Surely, I have wisdom to share with my fellow caregivers regarding finding joy in this holiday season.

Before I begin, I have to say, "This has not been the year I envisioned".  It's been 15 months since my mom passed. Hours from the time she entered Hospice, my husband began violently ill from an infection due to diverticulitis that acts up at the most unexpected times. Sadly, mom passed alone while I was doctoring my husband that evening. The impact of that creeps in and saddens me at the thought. As caregivers of more than one loved one, we sometimes find ourselves in these impossible situations. Everything happened so fast, I really did not have time to develop a plan or ask for help. How would I have known?

The rest of the year followed with a couple of hospital stays, emergency room visits, procedures and cardiac therapy for my husband. I was now only a caregiver for one. Somehow, I thought it would be easier.

In addition, our southern summer was exceptionally warm, zapping any strength I had left. My own health had its ups and downs. I retreated indoors to the comfort of the air conditioner by the first week in July.

With this kind of year, it is beyond me as to the expectations I put on to myself in general let alone the holidays. In addition, the end of November found my husband and I fighting bronchitis for three weeks into December. I was ready to fly the white flag of surrender. There is something to say about being sick, it changes your perspective about how things "should" be. My ever growing "to-do" list began to shrink.

What are Your Inner Messages?

How can you find joy in this holiday season? Look at what inner messages you are telling yourself. Have those inner messages painted a unrealistic picture for your life today? What can you let go of this season? Do you really need two Christmas trees, or do you need to make everything from scratch for the holiday meal? I can honestly tell you after three weeks of being sick and also trying to take care of my husband while we were both sick helped me look at some changes. I've had to look at those inner messages and explore how realistic they are. Those inner messages have me living in the past instead of the present.

Focus on What is Important

What is most important to you during the holiday season? To repeat an often used phrase, "What is your reason for the season?" Make a list of what is the most important to you and your loved one. Looking at the list, what is reasonable in regard to time, money, energy? Is anything on the list remotely resembling your reason for the season? Cross off what you cannot do this year or look at how you can adapt a tradition. I left half of my Christmas boxes in the attic this year and only put out half of the rest. The house still looks festive. I have energy to enjoy it and don't have to dread putting it all away in a few weeks. The holiday dinner menu has been pared down to spaghetti and meatballs, salad and garlic bread. Decide what holiday activities to attend. The holiday season is full of activities, beginning in early November. Be selective. What activities are the most special? Is the activity enjoyable for you and your loved one? Remember you want to prioritize, simplify and be flexible (my caregiving motto). Keep in mind that not all activities are acessible if your loved one has mobility issues.

Embrace new or modified holiday traditions that suit your current situation. Consider drawing names for gifts and simplify gift giving. Having to make lists, shop, wrap and pass out the gifts can be daunting when you are caring for others.

Small changes that are right for you will go far in reducing the stress, anxiety and fatique that holiday pressures can put on you.

Keep in Touch with Others

I felt completely isolated while my husband and I were sick this month. Not only could I barely manage my routine caregiver duties, but the reality of our situation felt isolating. Staying connected as a caregiver is a manner of your own mental health, especially during the holidays. Even with being sick, text messages and phone calls gave me a life line. Planning a lunch with others as we felt better reconnected my husband and I with the real world. Staying connected will look different for everyone based on your caregiving situation but it is a necessary. If possible, go out and enjoy one or two festivities. The beauty of the season and connecting with others will lift your spirits. This is not a journey to travel alone.

Share the Caregiver Role

Our family is very small and not everyone lives in the same state. Sharing caregiving responsibilities during the holidays can be challenging particularly if your family members are unable to be available to help. Sometimes the help you need may not come from family for various reasons.

Communicate openly with your family members about your caregiving situation and your needs. Let them know what you can and cannot do and ask for their support. I know sometimes it is frustrating when you think you should get help from family members. I do believe they want to help however, I understand the obligations they have in their own life. Those obligations are just as pressing to them as our caregiving responsibilities. I am reminded when I was in my 30's, raising a growing family and lived 250 miles away. I was not always able to be there for my mom. I can only hope she understood. I have relied on friends, neighbors and paid help quite a bit this year. For all of these wonderful people, I am thankful.

The other side of this is when family does offer to help. Do you take them up on their offer? Do you feel you don't want to inconvenience them? Our bout with bronchitis almost did me in. My dear sister-in-law offered to travel five hours to help. That one simple word "yes" did not pass through my lips. The caregiver in me did not want to inconvenience anyone. As caregivers, accepting help sometimes is difficult especially if you have been on this journey for some time. Be kind to yourself. If the caregiver does not take care of themselves, they will be unable to care for others. A truth that is hard to absorb. Remember, one simple word ...yes. .

Delegate tasks to other family members or friends, such as meal preparation, gift shopping, or taking packages to the post office. This will give you an opportunity to breathe and allow you to take part more fully in the festivities. I have found that the best way to get help is to be specific and task oriented. I think it goes back to the fact that people want to help but don't always know what to do.

Schedules and Routines are your Friend

Keep to your loved one's schedule and routine as much as possible. Avoid overstimulating or exhausting them with too many activities or visitors. Plan gatherings or outings early in the day, keeping them small and simple. I find myself fretting when my husband spends so much time in his recliner or in front of the television. I want to keep him active physically and mentally. In addition to my caregiving responsibilities, I also wear the hat of an activity director. My mind is occupied searching for productive things to do with him. Unfortunately, as time goes on, I find that just an hour out is about all he can manage or wants. Revisiting our priorities and what is important helps to keep the holidays enjoyable for all.

Lastly, make time for yourself and your own well-being. Take breaks, do something you enjoy. You deserve to celebrate too!

Whatever your reason for the season, may the joys of the season bring you peace, joy and rest.